“Some people did not belive me when I said I like stones and plants and city planning and systems, maybe they thought it was all an excuse for me avoiding my creative dreams.”
I see. You’re obviously not afraid of big shifts?
– I like big shifts, but sometimes I feel like Pam when reality slaps her face, and she realizes she actually quit her job to join the Michael Scott Paper Company: ‘’I just keep getting bored, and I let things build up, and build up. And then I do something too big… I was just feeling impulsive, I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle’’. The biggest confusion for me, is the general narrative of Life: that you know what you’re doing, and what you base your choices on. This is a complicated theme for me… Maybe for some it’s easier to not obsess about, because they grew up with either no expectations or no concept of God. I had a lot of both. When I was a Christian
…Hold on. A Christian? Would you mind explaining?
– Well, I grew up in a Christian home. I believed in God, and Jesus, that they were guiding me in my life – in a very good, but mysterious way. God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit was the same person, and it was constantly present as a narrative in my head, and a feeling in my stomach/body. So basically, they were ME. But as I figured out more about who ME was, and how beautifully contradictory it expressed itself, JC &God + HolySpiirito kind of dissolved into one-dimentional characters.
“Sounds cute to let go, but this one felt more like a bungee jump without knowing the distance to the ground, nor the length of the cord.”
This process took several years, a lot happened subconsciously, since I did not intentionally want to break away from the strong and dynamic fellowship I was part of. I didn’t know who ME was, without all that. Or, I had never tried life without, and nobody of my Christian friends had either. There was only unknown darkness on the other side of Jesus. I did NOT want to go there. But the break was inevitable (or was it?..), and it all culminated into me completely letting go. Sounds cute to let go, but this one felt more like a bungee jump without knowing the distance to the ground, nor the length of the cord.
When people speak of letting go as if it was a soft and easy action, I imagine all they ever had to let go of is their plans for Saturday night. Lol! Try to break up and let go of an ALLMIGHTY GOD, you ignorant slut!!